Not a night goes by I don’t dream of wandering through the home that might have been…

Things are changing. Life is changing. I suppose the truth of it is, life changes everyday that you’re alive, but the current we’re in now feels like it’s running a little faster than usual these days. I am anxious. I am excited. I am “a mess of contradictions in a dress”.

We’ve been back in Albany for a few months now and it feels like we’re making a much greater success of it than last time. Jen and I have a fantastic apartment with our very own speakeasy in the basement. We live in a great neighborhood with the best coffee in Albany close enough to walk to, even in a blizzard. We both have okay jobs that are significantly better than some we’ve had in the past. Jen is headed back to school for special ed certification. I have a fantastic part in a show. We are reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. We are planning our wedding in a very concrete way and it is all really exciting. Everything seems to be flowing smoothly and we are in a lovely place.

The only difficulty with this lovely place we are in is that it is still full of uncertainty. That question of what to be when I grow up is ever present in my mind and insistent upon an answer like yesterday. Law school? Back to acting? Open up a coffee shop? Who knows.

But I do have one truth. I left my heart on a busy street somewhere in the East Village. NYC feels like home to me. I think between being discouraged with my career and hating the neighborhood we lived in, I may have let go too easily. I can’t listen to Empire State of Mind without feeling sick. I miss the craziness. I miss the busy-ness. I miss that I never for a second felt bored. I miss randomly walking into fashion shows and parades. I miss feeling like I was living in the pulse of the world.

When I was little I had two goals. 1. Be an actress. 2. Live in NYC. I’ve been toying with the notion that maybe both things aren’t possible. But perhaps if I can find something to do with my life that doesn’t kill my soul, perhaps I would have the means to come back. I theorize that if I trained as a lawyer, 1. I might be able to do good things in the world, 2. I could afford to live in the city I love so much, and 3. I could afford to train and could still audition on evenings and weekends if I so chose. It seems like a logical course of action and, given that I thrive in academia, one that I might actually enjoy. So, that’s what I’ll be aiming for. Law school it is. Provided I can get in that is. I’m signing up for the LSAT, despite its horrendous $160 price tag, and I guess I’ll go from there. Wish me luck, friends.

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