Tonight is a good night. Tonight the entire world is full of possibility.
I spent a lot of my life not having to work that hard to do well at things. As a consequence, I’ve never been all that good at working hard for something. But this year I have become overwhelmed with the need to do more in my life, to do things better. I have spent a long time being contentedly discontent, bitching about my life but not actually doing a whole lot to change it. Lately though, there’s been a lot less contentment and a lot more of an all-encompassing need to prove something to myself.
Last year life handed me a situation and gave me a choice. And by choosing to rise to the occasion as the situation demanded, I found my voice and it was a lot stronger than I ever would have believed. In trying to keep me down, a certain farm actually made me learn how to stand up. And learning to stand has made me want to learn to walk and maybe even run.
And so enter all those possibilities that I have been going crazy over lately. It turns out that I do, indeed, have the proclivity to be a decent lawyer. In fact, the letter in my inbox states that there’s a school out there waiting to hedge a bet of more money than I’ve made in the last five years on that potential of mine. Pretty gratifying stuff, that is. And that’s only the first application response. It’s heady to think that after all of this time being convinced that I could never do anything real with my life, doors are opening up left and right.
It’s an exciting time for me. And it’s made more so because I believe that I am on a path where I could potentially achieve EVERY SINGLE ONE of my dreams. I have been petrified of wanting too much for a very long time. I still don’t feel deserving of wanting it all. But I do feel that everything is attainable, and that in itself is a marked difference from the past.
I intend to sing and dance and study and grow and get healthy and be happy and be married and have babies and to LOVE MY LIFE. Because even if I will never feel deserving of all that I have, I’m starting to learn that maybe being deserving isn’t the point. Maybe the real trick is to embrace it and be grateful. And I am.
PS- I had my very own real life Glee moment this weekend. So on that note…