You’d be surprised, I’ve changed while you’ve been gone…

This is my first official post as a blogging Brooklynite. I feel a bit more hipster-ish than I ever envisioned myself, but I can’t deny I’m digging our new zip code.

So for starters, apologies to the handful of you that check in on me ever so often. This poor blog has been horrendously neglected for the past two months. Things have been a tad crazy and, as often happens, something had to give. But now we are living in a shiny new place and I have a minute or two to breath between crises so it’s time to play catch up.

So, biggest thing first. I have officially been married for over a year. That kind of thing bears some commemoration and reflection. We have had some amazing times in this first year and I’m so grateful I’ve been able to experience them with someone as fantastic as my wife. We’ve been to Vegas and Florida and Upstate NY on vacations this year. We’ve managed to see NINE Broadway shows, five of which were Tony nominees this year. Please forgive that statement and be assured that it’s not a humblebrag. It’s mostly a reminder to myself about how much I have and a further reminder to keep remembering gratitude. I didn’t even know some of these things were possible when I was a kid and now I’m living in the greatest city in the world and am able to experience SO MUCH. For a kid from a tiny town in Florida, it’s overwhelming. We’ve also been able to spend time at some museums and parks and fantastic local places and every new discovery has been delightful. We got to be the first customers at a local artisanal ice cream shop and it was super fun. And I rode a freaking roller coaster! We’ve made some wonderful memories in this first year. It’s going to be fantastic to look back and remember how much we were able to experience together as newlyweds.

That said, I’ve learned a little more about marriage than what can be encompassed in fun new experiences. I’ve learned that not every part of marriage involves cupcakes and rainbows. Not everything is shiny and pretty, even when you’re a newlywed. 2am trips to the emergency room still happen. Family emergencies happen. Personal health crises happen. Professional uncertainty happens. Tears and fears happen. Snoring happens. Tone deaf 4am singing happens. Jokes about farting happen. And the great thing is that, through all of it, you have someone next to you saying, “I support you. Always. Unless you intend to murder someone and then maybe let’s talk about things first.” For all the good times, this has been a difficult year in many respects and knowing I had someone to lean on through the worst of it was the only thing that got me through some of it. A lot has changed this year. A lot is still changing.But I’d like to think we’re trudging uphill slowly. 

It’s strange, the picture that triggered tonight’s writing had little to do with the present and much to do with the past, yet when I sat down to write, the present seemed to matter more. I hope this is a sign of progress. I have terrible difficulty leaving the past where it belongs, especially things I still feel guilty about or hurt over, but I am working on it. It’s interesting, though, how easily a picture can create the need for an outpouring of words. This one picture led to a search for more and, when I found them, a bit of indulgent nostalgia. There’s something endearing about one’s nineteen year old self when looked at through a lens less tinted by negativity. There’s something unutterably sweet about remembering how new everything still was. There’s even some level of compassion for some of the mistakes yet to come that that smiling girl knows nothing about in that moment. She doesn’t know it yet, but things will get worse before they get better and some of her choices are going to leave some very deep scars. She doesn’t know how significant an impact she is having on the woman she will become. I’d like to think, if she did know, she might be kind enough to avoid some of the calamities, but I know better. Nineteen is invincible. Nineteen thinks tomorrow will always be unblemished. Nineteen is a conceited little twit at times, but she’s also lovely. She still believes that she can have it all. She may be dumb, but she’s optimistic and I can certainly respect that. So, here’s to her, but here’s also to moving forward, taking the positive and learning from the negative. Nineteen left me with a lot of demons, but she also left me with some memories that even regret can’t tarnish too badly. Time to kick some demon ass and let nineteen stay in the past where she belongs.

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