In Regards to Hysteria

What I have learned today:

1. Don’t reach into the toaster oven. Ever. Even if your bagel is stuck in the back and getting completely ruined. Even if it’s the last bagel of its kind. Even if it’s the only food option available that is even vaguely appealing. Even if you know you can knock it lose without touching anything dangerous. Just don’t. Because burns that are prefaced with a degree ranging between first and third are unpleasant. Or at least they will be once your nerve cells start responding again. Also, a white patch in the midst of what looks like a sunburn appears to be a bad sign when it comes to burns. Let’s hope for evolution’s sake that everyone else is smarter than, well, me.

2. Hot chocolate is not an effective substitute for caffeine. Just don’t even bother.

3. The difference between hysterical pregnancy and simulated pregnancy comes down to intention. If you want to be the proud owner of your own phantom baby, you really have to believe it. Otherwise, it’s “simulated” and frankly a little weird. Apparently it’s a trendy thing in Japan, though. Huff Post says so and they’re generally reliable.